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Have you thought about a Godly Marriage?
For many of whom will be reading this, marriage may very well be a long way off. For others, including many of my dear friends, they may already be in the thralls of a happily married life, or otherwise, engaged on their way towards marriage.
Whatever your situation, take the time to read this page, and think about what truly marriage means.
Click here to read the Bible along with this
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Sexual Intimacy and Waiting Untill Marriage -Debra Gatlin
Sexual intimacy is designed to reflect the beautiful mystery and intimate union between God and His people ( Ephesians 5:25 ). God gave us sex to arouse and satisfy our innate craving for intimacy, for union ( Genesis 1:24-25 ). A couple who enjoys emotional, relational, and spiritual intercourse with one another will be drawn to celebrate
their love through sexual intimacy. That's why sexual intimacy is exclusively reserved for marriage. Sexual experiences outside of marriage interrupts our enjoyment of the beauty of sexual intimacy in its proper context as God intended.
The Bible describes the sexual experience within marriage as
honorable ( Hebrews 13:4 ). Some of the most beautiful erotic literature ever composed is found in the wisdom literature of the Old Testament. For some, the idea of verbally inspired erotic literature is difficult to accept. Yet God has frankly recorded for us His view of the delights of sexual intimacy between a married couple in poetic verse:
Drink water from your own cistern, running water from your
own well. Should your springs overflow in the streets, your
streams of water in the public squares? Let them be yours
alone, never to be shared with strangers. May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be captivated by her love ( Proverbs 5:15-19 ).
In the Song of Solomon, the husband's description of his bride's body (Song of Solomon 4:1-15 ) and her description of his ( Song of Solomon 5:10-16 ) reveals the joy of love and sexual intimacy that God extols for a married couple. While sexual intimacy between a couple is not to be observed by anyone outside of the relationship, God, the One who sees and knows all, must smile with delight when He sees two of His children enjoying the good gift of sex He has given to them.
God intended sex to be far more than mere pleasurable sensations. He designed it as the intimate union of body, soul, mind, and spirit exclusively shared between a husband and wife. It's about being open, exposed, naked, and unashamed in the presence of our spouse who finds us desirable and yearns to draw close to us. That's how God
captures our hearts. Being captured by our lover will give us a taste of being caught up in Christ's love in a way that we feel deeply enjoyed without shame. In essence, sexual intimacy within marriage should draw us to deeper worship of God who initiated sexuality for His glory
and our delight.
If anyone should be enjoying sexuality, Christians should. We should know better than anyone else that sex was never intended to be an end in itself. It is intended to be a joyous celebration of the intimate love that a man and woman share together in the covenant relationship
called marriage. It is designed to be a reflection of the intimate love relationship between Christ and His church
(Ephesians 5:25-33 ).
God intended sex to be enjoyed between a man and a woman in
marriage. God created Eve for Adam because Adam needed a mate comparable to him. He needed companionship, relationship, and intimacy. So God chose marriage as a sacred and honorable relationship in which to meet those needs ( Genesis 2:23-25 ).
Second, throughout Scripture we are commanded to avoid all forms of sexual immorality ( Acts 15:29 ; Romans 1:29 ; 1 Corinthians 6:13-18 ;Galatians 5:19 ; 1 Thessalonians 4:3 ). That God is concerned about sexual purity is clear in the Old Testament ( Deuteronomy 22 ). In the New Testament, Paul said that satisfying one's burning passions
before marriage is not an option for the believer
( 1 Corinthians 7:2,8-9).
Third, when we enjoy another's body (physically or mentally) for sexual pleasure outside of marriage, we are guilty of covetousness. Exodus 20:17 says, You shall not covet your neighbor's house, you shall not covet your neighbor's wife, nor his male servant, nor his female servant, nor his ox, nor his donkey, nor anything that is your neighbor's. To covet means to desire, take pleasure in, and delight in. The point is that you may not take what is not yours. You may not take illegitimate delight in what does not belong to you. One must ask, Am I selfishly delighting in (coveting) what is not mine? Our bodies
belong only to God and to our spouse ( 1 Corinthians 6:19; 7:4 ).
Last, as followers of Christ, we must govern all of our behavior, decisions, and thoughts with the principle of love ( Matthew 22:37-40 ). What does it mean to love your date? Loving means to put your date's welfare, both short-term and long-term, above your own desires. To love is to respect and protect ( 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 ). We should test
our intentions and actions by asking ourselves some questions: Am I really seeking to do what God wants me to do? Am I placing my date's welfare above my desires, thus loving that person? How does my dating life stand up to the test of love?
The world wants us to believe that sex outside of marriage is okay. But without the commitment of marriage, sex is a shallow illusion of intimacy. It is nothing more than erotic stimulation and/or a temporary escape from loneliness. It is basically selfish. Consequently, it often
becomes a means to manipulate and control others. This easily leads into the strange perversions of sexuality to which we as a sinful, desperate people are prone.
This is far from what God intended for His children. God loves us and wants only the best for us. God has given us all good things to enjoy,sex included ( John 13:34 ; James 1:17 ). So how will we best enjoy our sexuality? Within the security of a committed marital relationship. Within a loving marriage there is assurance, accountability, and a
commitment to work on the relationship when times are difficult.
You may wonder, How far can I go before marriage? Except for
intercourse, Scripture does not specifically outline what is and what is not forbidden. God leaves that up to us to decide, keeping in mind the principles above. However, it is wise to prepare ourselves before we enter into a romantic relationship.
First, set your standards now! Don't wait for a passionate moment to decide what is off limits. Holding hands, warm hugs, and kissing are all natural expressions of true love and genuine care for a person. If a touch like this does not cause you to lust and it is done out of respect
for another, it can be considered an appropriate touch. There are, however, more intimate physical expressions that should be reserved for a married couple. They are designed to stimulate and excite and to culminate in sexual intercourse. These activities should be avoided by a dating couple because their purpose is to prepare the body for sex.
Examples of these activities are fondling of breasts or genitals, heavy and passionate kissing, necking, petting, and oral sex. This list is not conclusive, however. If touching another causes you to lust, or if it defrauds that person, it's time to back off.
Second, listen to the little voice inside! If you are doing something or are in a situation that is causing you to feel uncomfortable, guilty, or violated, listen to those feelings. They are there for a reason. Because there is a natural drive within each of us to protect ourselves, the
feelings we have are early warning indicators that we may be
experiencing personal harm. We need to trust our feelings, speak up,and exercise listening to that little voice.
Third, picture it! Imagine that the person you are dating is your future mate. That's not so difficult. But now picture that person with someone else on a date. How would you want that date to go? How far would you want that sexual relationship proceed? What kind of activities would be off limits then? Now think of the person you are
with as someone else's future mate. How are you going to leave this person? A little used? Is that how you want your potential mate? How do you want your sister to be treated on a date? How do you want your brother to act? This little exercise puts our dating life in perspective, because we all have people so special to us that we want to love and protect them. This is how we should approach the person
we are dating as someone special to be loved and honored.
Waiting for sex until marriage can be difficult. We're often tempted to choose what will give us instant pleasure. A man and a woman who are tempted to give in to their strong sexual desires will do well to admit their struggle before God, trust Him that He will meet their needs, and use wisdom and self-control to avoid falling into the trap of premarital sex.
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God's 3 Purposes for Marriage
Don & Sally Meredith for Two Becoming One
When it comes to marriage, many Christians believe if they go to a good church, take a marriage enrichment course and occasionally read marriage books, they will have a strong marriage. Their focus tends to be on solving tactical problem areas such as communication, sex and finances. Yet, in His Word, God provides strategic purposes for Christian marriage that are vitally important for all to know.
The Fall of Satan and Your Marriage
God’s purposes for marriage are related to the fall of Satan. The original oneness and harmony of eternity past was a wonderful reflection of God’s image in all of creation. The angels, beings created by God, depended entirely on Him and were completely one with God and His will. But Satan’s pride and fall became a threat to this oneness. The most beautiful angel of God’s creation decided that he did not need God. Since then Satan has challenged God’s will and purposes continually.
The creation of the earth and Adam and Eve was not just an afterthought of God’s, but a response to Satan’s challenge. It demonstrated to all of creation, that only complete dependence on God results in true life. Adam and Eve, and every person who followed, has a tremendous stake in God’s plan and purpose for man.
In this context, God gives three mandates for Christian marriage: to reflect, reign, and reproduce. And, because of the importance of these purposes, Satan works hard to keep Christians from accomplishing them. Let’s look further at these purposes.
1. Reflect God’s Image
Christian marriages are to reflect God’s image:
Then God said, “Let us make man in our image, in our likeness, and let them rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air, over the livestock, over all the earth, and over all the creatures that move along the ground. So, God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.” Genesis 1:26-27
Notice the emphasis on “image” and “likeness.” God creates “them” as a unit to reflect Him. When we criticize our spouse, or foster division and competition, we are actually reflecting the disunity of Satan and dishonoring God. On the other hand, when we recognize our purpose is to reflect the image of God, we are convicted by Holy Spirit when we don’t meet that standard and protected from hardening our hearts toward one another.
2. Reproduce Children in God’s Likeness
God’s second purpose for marriage is to reproduce:
God blessed them and said to them, “Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it.” Genesis 1:28a
God wants married couples to reproduce children – in His “likeness.” Couples who are competitive, angry and divided, are not fully able to nurture children in God’s image. Why? In order to teach children the principles of agape love, godly discipline, and good morals, it must first be modeled by parents. Words are not enough! As parents puts aside their innate selfishness and trust God to meet their needs, petty disagreements fade in comparison to their love for their children. The Christian couple who does not have children can fulfill this purpose by making others disciples of Jesus Christ.
3. Reign in Spiritual Warfare
The third purpose for marriage is to reign:
God blessed them and said to them, “Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it.” Genesis 1:28a
We are to be stewards of the physical resources entrusted to us and we must do our share in the spiritual realm. A spiritual battle goes on in every heart. Only as couples come together in unity and oneness will the enemy of our souls be defeated. Just as the Godhead represents perfect unity and is a force for God’s will in His universe, the Christian couple is to pray and discern God’s will in all situations.
Two Becoming One
To accomplish God’s purposes for your marriage – to reflect, reproduce and reign together – you must be at one with your spouse and with God. Oneness happens as a result of believing that God has uniquely placed you together in agreement with God’s will and with each other. The practical results are cooperation, unity and encouragement.
In Ephesians 6:12, we learn, “… our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the…spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.” Practically, our struggle is not against our spouse but against Satan who wants us to believe that our spouse is the problem. We must learn to keep our eyes on Jesus Christ and not on people.
If you are a Christian couple considering marriage, who have been married for a while, or whose marriage is in trouble, God can make the most out of your situation. Just turn to His Word and follow His plan for your marriage. |
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Let Your Marriage Bring You Closer To God
Whitney Hopler
Crosswalk.com Contributing Writer Your marriage isn't just about happiness, and it's not just about you and your spouse. It's much more than that. Ultimately, your marriage is a tool God wants to use to draw you closer to Him. Whether or not your marriage makes you happy, it can make you holy. And it can bring glory to the source of all love - God Himself.
Here are some ways you can let your marriage draw you closer to God:
Acknowledge hard realities.
Realize that you and your spouse don't live in an idealized romantic world, but in a fallen, broken one. Be honest about the disappointments and selfishness that exist in your marriage. Don't be afraid to discover what your marriage reveals about your own attitudes and behavior. Seek to understand yourself and the ways you need to grow as you confront this information in your marriage.
Understand that marriage is all about learning to love.
Remember that marriage isn't eternal; it's merely an earthly relationship in which two people can learn how to love. Know that, while your marriage is temporary, your relationship with God is eternal. Strive to grow all you can through your marriage so you'll be able to love God more deeply. Realize that you can't truly love God unless you also love other people. Accept your spouse and practice acting in love toward him or her, no matter what.
Let marriage teach you about God's relationship to His people.
Know that God loves us intimately and wants us to relate to Him out of love rather than fear. Understand that marriage is a picture of the commitment Christ has for His church. Realize that God wants you to pursue Him with passion, just as He pursues you. Know that God wants you to proclaim and model His ministry of reconciliation in your marriage by staying committed, forgiving each other, and loving each other selflessly and sacrificially.
Learn to respect others through your marriage.
Have contempt for contempt. Decide that you will honor your spouse because God wants you to do so - despite his or her flaws. Understand that all people are fallen, and if you can't respect your current spouse, you won't be able to respect any spouse. Seek to understand the challenges your spouse faces. Ask God to give you empathy for your spouse and compassion for his or her weaknesses.
Use your marriage to build your prayer life.
Let the intimacy you develop in your marriage relationship enrich the intimacy you share with God through prayer. As you overcome dissension and come together sexually, you acquire skills for building unity. Use those skills to deepen your prayer connection with God.
Let your marriage help cleanse you.
Allow your marriage to hold up a mirror of your sin to view. Let your marriage show you the unhealthy attitudes and character flaws that God wants to heal in you. Ask God to help you use this knowledge to become more humble and willing to grow. Confess and repent of the sins God shows you, trusting that He will help you grow.
Respect your marriage's sacred history.
Realize that you and your spouse have a shared history of life spent together that is highly valuable. Understand that the spiritual meaning of your marriage is found in maintaining that history together. Ask God to help you persevere in your marriage so you can remain faithful. Rather than questioning your choice of a spouse, learn how to live with your choice. Realize that there very well may be better times ahead for your marriage if you stick with it.
Embrace your marriage's difficulties in order to build character.
Don't run from your troubles. Instead, face them, trusting that they will make you a stronger person. Understand that, although you cannot control your circumstances or the way your spouse behaves, you can control how you respond. Determine to grow from your struggles. Ask yourself, "What am I learning?," "How is this causing me to grow?," and "What is this doing for me from an eternal perspective?."
Let your marriage teach you how to forgive.
Recognize that conflict is an opportunity for spiritual growth. So don't run from it. Rely on the Holy Spirit's help to work through conflict and help you and your spouse forgive each other. Remember that God has forgiven you and wants you to learn how to forgive other so you can truly love.
Build a servant's heart through your marriage.
Realize that, in God's eyes, there is nothing more significant than servanthood. Don't worry about judging whether or not you think your spouse deserves to be served. Decide to serve him or her no matter what, because God calls you to and God is worthy of your obedience. Don't assume that your time and energy is more important than your spouse's. Be proactive about serving him or her. Seek to give more than you take, lessen your demands and express more appreciation toward your spouse, and be more sensitive to your spouse's demands.
Let your sex life grow your character.
Understand that you and your spouse share more than just a temporary, earthly relationship as lovers. Remember that you also share an eternal relationship as brother and sister in Christ. Never reduce sex to simply a physical experience; keep in mind that the Holy Spirit lives inside both of your bodies. Be gentle and kind to each other, accepting each other's bodies and best efforts to stay healthy and fit. Be willing to give your best to each other as a gift. Pursue a passionate sex life, knowing that if you come alive with passion in one area of your life, that passion will carry over into other areas. Realize that if you become more passionate about your spouse, you can become more passionate about God.
Let your marriage make you more aware of God's presence.
As you build your communication skills in marriage, let your experiences focus you out of yourself. When you struggle with marital dissatisfaction, let that remind you of why you need God. When you look at your spouse, learn to see someone made in God's image. Embrace opportunities to create with your spouse - children, shared projects, etc. - and relish God's creative energy flowing through you as you do.
Build your spiritual purpose through your marriage.
Look beyond each other toward God, asking Him to unite you to pursue a common vision in your lives. Evaluate what's truly important, and be willing to sacrifice selfish ambitions so both of you can achieve the greater good. Accept the two central missions of becoming the people God created you each to be, and doing the work He has given you to do.
Adapted from Sacred Marriage, copyright 2000 by Gary L. Thomas. Published by Zondervan, Grand Rapids, Mich., www.zondervan.com.
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Four Steps to Overcoming Trials in Marriage
Imagine sailing with your spouse on a warm and sunny afternoon when suddenly black clouds race towards your boat. The waves kick up and a rain squall develops and you find yourself in the middle of a dangerous storm. Then, if the storm wasn’t bad enough, you and your spouse start arguing over who was to blame for the storm and what to do about it! Sound foolish? You’d think that arguing would be the least effective way to fight the storm. Yet many couples – when storms buffet the home in the form of infertility, debt, rebellious teenagers, job loss, in-laws – respond by attacking each other rather than weathering the storm together. Seasoned sailors expect storms – it’s not if they happen, it’s when. Likewise, we should expect to face trials in marriage. Instead of dividing us, storms should unite us. Here are four steps you can take to face and overcome trials in your marriage.
1. Know That Every Christian Marriage Encounters Trials
When speaking of life’s trials, Peter said, “Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you” (1 Peter 4:12). Why is it we always seem surprised or caught off guard by trials? We say, “Why me? Why now?” Peter states that Christians should expect trials!
For Christian couples, such adversity provides yet another opportunity to experience oneness in marriage. Through trials, God can be moving us toward more intimacy – both with and Him and with each other.
2. Be Quick to Recognize Trials
Many times couples think they have marital problems, but in reality they are facing a trial. Trials produce a variety of symptoms and warning signals, such as inability to sleep, depression, argumentativeness, defensiveness, and health problems. They come from a variety of sources, such as people, work situations, sin, relatives, natural disasters, or Satan.
The young and less-experienced couple will tend to be surprised at the great variety of trials that they may face. If you recognize a trial you are facing, make sure your spouse is aware of it and is in agreement with you as to what the trial is.
3. Develop a Strategy Together
By quickly recognizing trials, you can support one another instead of blaming each other or your marriage. Immediately pray and develop a strategy for overcoming the trial. Disagreement concerning the trial can result in a lack of support for one another, making oneness impossible. On the other hand, oneness with each other and God can result if you determine to overcome the trial together.
Praying together is important. Do not underestimate the power of prayer, since prayer usually leads to oneness and agreement on your coping strategy.
4. Respond to the Trial with God’s Perspective
If you determine that you brought the trial into your life through sin, irresponsible behavior, or a bad decision, confess it to God. After your confession, take the appropriate steps to resolve it. Be sure to seek forgiveness from others when appropriate.
If you have not brought the trial into your life, assume it is from God’s loving hand for your benefit and His glory. Begin to apply the perspectives taught in the Scripture concerning trials.
Battle the Storm Together
Experienced sailors prepare for storms. When the storm hits, they execute their plan, focusing only on overcoming the situation. They battle the storm together.
Since most marriages will encounter trials, be prepared. Our natural instinct is to lose hope or blame. Yet if we have renewed our minds with Scripture, we have the choice of responding in faith, choosing to override our human instinct.
Trials are seldom pleasant, but the anguish that comes with them can be mitigated by knowing that God will use them to perfect you. At all costs, do not allow trials to drive you and your spouse apart.
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Reduce Stress in the Home
| Proverbs 15: 13 - 25 |
How to Relieve Stress and Tension in the Home
Prov. 15:13-25
You will notice in this passage some negative words…
v. 13 sorrow
15 afflicted
16 trouble
17 hatred
18 strife
22 disappointed
These are all synonyms for stress and tension. They represent those times when the string gets too tight…and then it snaps!
Illâ€â€guitar string can snap if too tight/balloon seems fine, it can take a little more, then boom!/volcano: beneath surface…fire!
These are stressful times in which we live. And almost everyday you hear about another home where the string has snapped.
For example: did you know that an act of domestic violence is committed every 15 seconds in America? Scary, isn’t it? In 1/4th of all marriages, violence occurs at least occasionally. 20% of all murders take place w/in the family! Of those, 13% are committed against a spouse!
We used to say it’s a jungle out there. Now we’d have to say, it’s a jungle in here!
Stress in a home is like sand to machinery, and a marriage which should be smooth and efficient, instead begins to slowly grind away!
So, how do we reduce stress and tension in the home?
1. Learn to laugh
15:13, 15
17:22 What is a broken spirit? Well, the spirit of a man is the wellspring of life, and when the spirit is broken, it means you’ve lost your zest, your enthusiasm, and you’re tempted to give up.
Laughter is a gift God has given to us, to release tension, and to keep our spirits from being broken in this sin-cursed earth. Acc’d to this verse, it’s one of God’s ways of keeping us healthy, emotionally and physically.
Medical science has proven that when you laugh, chemicals and enzymes are realeased in the brain which are extremely imp’t to the health of our vital organs.
Listen to part of an article from a secular magazine called Executive Digest: “Scientists have been studying the effects of laughter on human beings and have found, among other things, that laughter has a profound and instantaneous effect on virtually every imp’t organ of the human body. Laughter reduces unhealthy tensions, and relaxes the tissues, as well as exercising the most vital organs. Laughter, even when forced, results in beneficial effect on us, both mentally and physically. So, the next time you feel nervous and jittery, indulge in a good laugh.”
I don’t think I could ever possibly deal w/ the stresses and pressures of the ministry, if home were not a fun place to be. Kimberly will vouch for the fact that most of the time our home just rings w/ laughter…once in a while there are other sounds! But there’s just something wonderful in the air there…
This girl gets giddy every night at 9! You say, I thought she was giddy at church! No, at church, she’s Little Bo Peep compared to home!
Somewhat of a musical family, everything reminds us of a song…we can hold entire conversations w/out ever straying from lyrics written by people we don’t know! I like to write parodies to hymns and Christian songs. And Kimberly is in to it, too!
“Something about that dame”/cooking: “I’ll Fry Away”/Kids are bad…try Michael W. Smith’s “Spank You”/studying: “Make me a sermon”/in restroom “reading”, you might hear “who is He in yonder stall” or, “I thank God for the outhouse”/even if we’ve had words I might pull out my old standby: “Beulah’s Hand”/or after a stressful deacon’s mtg…a song about an imaginary deacon w/ sinus troubles: “Deacon Gestant!”
And the kids pick up on our spirits and join right in…they don’t even know what they’re doing, but they love the spirit!
3 things you ought to give your children:
Life/Love/Laughter
3 rules you ought to have for your home:
Be fair/Be firm/Be fun
Learn to laugh…don’t take things so seriously…lighten up!
2. Cultivate Contentment
15:16, 17
vegetable plate/filet mignon
ill.â€â€dad pulls up to little frame house in old car/kids run to meet him/enters: smells aroma of fried chicken, ocre, etc./no tablecloth, just placemats, no china, just mismatched dishes…some chipped, stainless steel silverware, paper napkins/dad reaches out and they all hold hands, he thanks God for their love and the food/amen…and dig in!/not in a dining room, just kitchen, but it rings w/ laughter/they tell about their day: hit homerun, dog chewed hair off my dolly.
--mansion w/ white columns out front, dad pulls up in BMW, kicks cat out of the way. No one comes out to meet him, they’re all in their rooms watching their private TV’s, playing on their X-Box or Nintendo/time to eat…long formal dining room, china, crystal, cloth/servants bring out ors douvre’s, appetizers, soup du jour, salad, smoking roast./Dad eats as fast as he can, preoccupied, thinking about work/Mom has a face like a hatchet, she just knows he’s messin’ around w/ that secretary/surly, rebellious teenagers say nothing unless it’s sarcastic and cutting…
Which of these homes would you like to have? The first!
Not saying it’s impossible to have both, although it’s not common to have both.
If you want to have a happy home, you have to cultivate contentment. Live w/in your means. Financial stress will kill the spirit of a home…you don’t need that.
“Better is a dinner of herbs…”
Don’t even get on the treadmill of materialism, it doesn’t take you anywhere! (if only we had a bigger, nicer house, newer car…no, if you’re not happy w/ what you’ve got now, you wouldn’t be then, it has nothing to do w/ it.)
Phil. 4:11
Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content.
I Tim. 6:8
And having food and raiment let us be therewith content.
Heb. 13:5
Let your conversation be without covetousness; and be content with such things as ye have
We are blessed w/ a nice house, and some nice things…modest, but nice…but you know, we’re no happier than we were in that 2 room apartment, driving that little Cavalier with 180,000 miles on it! We’re thankful for what we now have, but we know it doesn’t bring happiness w/ it…it’s all wood, hay, and stubble!
In Luke 12:15, Jesus said:
Take heed, and beware of covetousness: for a man’s life consisteth not in the abundance of the things which he possesseth.
I Tim. 6
6 But godliness with contentment is great gain. 7 For we brought nothing into this world, and it is certain we can carry nothing out. 8 And having food and raiment let us be therewith content. 9 But they that will be rich fall into temptation and a snare, and into many foolish and hurtful lusts, which drown men in destruction and perdition.
Cultivate contentment!
I know many people today have to work 2 jobs, and many hours, just to make ends meet…that’s ok, I’m not talking about making a living, and providing the basics…I’m talking about the tyranny of things, that prompts some people to go out seeking more money to buy more things, or to pay off what they already bought on credit, when they should be out in the yard teaching that boy to throw a baseball, or reading that book to that girl.
But many have to keep up w/ the Joneses’…we buy things we don’t need, w/ money we don’t have, to impress people that we don’t like!
So, learn to laugh, cultivate contentment…
3. Alleviate Anger
15:18
14:17
18:13 put mouth in gear before brain
29:20
The clear lesson here: the way to control anger is to control your mouth…your tongue!
Jokeâ€â€I always get the last word…yes dear!
Last argument: I had her on her hands and knees…come out from under that bed and fight like a man!
Nothing will reduce stress and tension in the home like getting control of your words.
When you are mad, angry, upset (and those times will come) keep your mouth shut! “Be angry, and sin not!”
What we think: “maybe I will make my point better if I say it a little louder” (then they get louder) “or if I add some sarcasm or a cutting insult…then they’ll get the point!”
You say, but in the heat of that moment, I can’t control my mouth…oh yes you can!
Illâ€â€argument (simulate)/phone rings/ (sweetly) hello!
You can control it if you want to!
Key:
15:1
Don’t take the bait! “I’m not biting” It ends there!
So, learn to laugh/cultivate contentment/alleviate anger…
4. Walk in Wisdom
15:21, 22, 33
The Bible says that God is not the author of confusion…if your home is characterized by confusion, understand that God is not in that! Strife and tension result when there’s confusion, when we’re not on the same page, when the left hand doesn’t know what the right hand is doing…the result isn’t unity and harmony, it’s division, strife, tension, and stress!
Problems WILL arise on a daily basis, that’s normal, but wisdom begs us to start attacking the problem, together, in unity, and stop attacking each other.
Listen to Mt. 7
24 Therefore whosoever heareth these sayings of mine, and doeth them, I will liken him unto a wise man, which built his house upon a rock: 25 And the rain descended, and the floods came, and the winds blew, and beat upon that house; and it fell not: for it was founded upon a rock. 26 And every one that heareth these sayings of mine, and doeth them not, shall be likened unto a foolish man, which built his house upon the sand: 27 And the rain descended, and the floods came, and the winds blew, and beat upon that house; and it fell: and great was the fall of it.
You can build your home on 1 of 2 foundations: rock or sand
The difference is whether or not you put Christ first in your life/marriage…that building on The Rock…and when the winds of adversity blow, and the waves of disappointment roll in, your house will be able to weather the storm.
That’s walking in wisdom!
And then you can build something beautiful together! On the foundation of Christ, if your salvation is anything more than just fire insurance to you, or a tradition, or a duty, if there’s any depth to your salvation at all, then on top of that rock foundation, you will build walls of worship, w/ studs of Sunday school and siding of Sunday night, windows of wed. night attendance. Paint the interior w/ peace, and carpet w/ contentment. Build a kitchen of kindness, and stock the shelves well in the pantry of purity…then hang a chandelier of charity. A hallway of holiness will often lead you back to a bedroom of bliss! And make sure and have that special room where the whole family can bathe in the lather of laughter. That fireplace of forgiveness will warm the atmosphere, and leads right up to the roof of repentance which will keep your whole family sheltered from the storms of sin. The blessings are right in your own backyard if you want them! And if you’ll build your house on the rock!
learn to laugh/cultivate contentment/alleviate anger/walk in wisdom |
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Liking and Loving
| Proverbs 3: 3 - 4 |
Agatha Christie, is, admittedly, my favorite fiction writer. I enjoy a good "who done it" once in a while, and few mystery writers can compete with this great author. But Agatha Christie also understood human nature. She herself had suffered a painful divorce when young, but was extremely happily married to her second husband.
During a "happy ending" scene in one of her books, the sleuth and his fiancé (whose heart was won while helping to solve the mystery), Bridget, makes an interesting observation: "I like you, Luke....Liking is more important than loving. It lasts. I want what is between us to last, Luke. I don’t want us just to love each other and marry and get tired of each other, and then want to marry someone else..." (Christie, Agatha, Easy To Kill, G.K. Hall & Co., 1938, renewed 1967).
Indeed, some Bible scholars are now gravitating toward an emphasis on brotherly love (the Greek word phileo) because affection and attachment are implied in it, as well as the concept of likingâ€â€verses agape (the common Greek word for love), which is more the love of duty. You can agape your enemies, but we are nowhere commanded to phileo them. Phileo is reserved for those with whom we cultivate a relationship.
This bit of wisdom applies to marriage (and why marriages often go awry). It is great to actually LIKE the person you are married to. And part of being a good spouse is the determination to work at becoming likable.
The same is true of a church. It is one thing to tolerate a church, another to love it. Indeed, for some people, the church they settle upon is the "least worst choice." They are not really happy there, but it’s the best they can find. Sometimes, in time, they learn to like the church and enjoy its people. Other times, they just wander around in a cloud of discontent. Then they frequent another church and repeat the cycle.
Sometimes they feel a void and expect the church to fill it. Other times the problem is that they are not particularly "likable" people. They sense they are not well-liked because they aren’t. Not that they are necessarily disliked, just not liked.
The Bible has much to say about liking and being likable. Jesus, it is said in Luke 2:52, grew in "favor with God and men." Put simply, the Father and people liked Him. Late in life, as Christ proclaimed truth, truth-haters became His enemy. But it was truth, not His character, that created the antagonism. He was a likable man.
The Bible commands us to love our enemies, but we do not have to like them. In that instance, loving them means to treat them in a loving way (do unto others as you would have them do unto you). But to those we wish to be close to, it is great to not only love them, but to also like them. This simple dynamic is being lost in all the "love talk" common in our churches today.
Indeed, friendship, especially close friendship, best occurs when individuals like one another. You can love an acquaintance and have a ministry with that person, but being a friend requires liking. In addition, the most satisfying friendships are between people roughly equal in intelligence, ability, etc., though gifted perhaps in differing ways. But they must like one another. We are commanded to love others, but we are not commanded to like others. Liking cannot be willed, loving can.
David and Jonathan liked one another. Their special brotherly love was intensified by their enjoyment, their liking of one another. Jesus and John the Apostle had a special friendship as well because there was a certain chemistry present. Ruth and Naomi had a special love for one another, but one senses they also liked each other.
If "liking and being likable" is key to satisfying marriage, close friendship, and church life, how can we develop this "like-ability?" The answer to this question can be involved if we answer it with specifics. But there is a general answer to keep in mind, found for us in Proverbs 3:3-4, namely, "Do not let kindness and truth leave you. Bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart. Then you will win favor and a good name with God and men."
There are basically two element to becoming likable, or "finding favor in the sight of God and men." These elements are: kindness (love, consideration, gentleness) and truth (honesty, faithfulness, dependability). If we are only kind but not truthful, we are nothing more than people pleasers. If we are truthful but not kind, we are harsh moralists or perfectionist snobs.
People pleasers end up with many acquaintances and are well-liked superficially, but have few deep friendships. They make great politicians but are often taken with a grain of salt. Honest people without kindness may be respected, but few wish to be close to such individuals. It takes a mixture of both qualities, or, as Paul puts it in Ephesians, "...speaking the truth in love."
When mixing kindness and truth, a person may choose to say nothing. Because something is true does not mean she must state it. And how it is said, how it is perceived will be taken into account.
Are you known for being considerate? Do you stretch and manipulate the truth, or are you merely tactful in kindness? Are you concerned about how you are perceived? You ought to be. Kindness demands it. Out of love and concern, we may need to force ourselves to be initiators. If you want to have friends, you must yourself be friendly.
Love is important. But so is likability. Do you like your spouse? Does your spouse like you? Do you like your children? Do they like you? What about your church family? Your neighbor? If you care, you’ll be considerate. It’s not enough just to do your duty. You must be concerned about how you come across. Find that balance of kindness and truth!
Here’s the challenge. Think about what it must be like to be married to you. Or what it is like to work alongside you. Or how you are perceived by others. What behaviors and attitudes do you have that make you unattractive to those who are close to you? Are they matters of truth, or self-centeredness? Are you kind? Are you sincere and honest, even when uncomfortable. Then seek to correct those faults. Bring them into conformity with the dual concepts of kindness and truth. Begin at home.
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What the Bible says about Marriage and Divorce
| Malachi 2: 11 - 16 |
WHAT THE BIBLE SAYS ABOUT MARRIAGE AND DIVORCE
“Questions People Ask”
Malachi 2:11-16/Matthew 19:3-9
I want to be a church that forever lifts up God’s institution called marriage.
I want to be a church that forever lifts and loves people who have been divorced.
I want to be a church that takes Biblical steps to help prevent divorce.
The purpose of this sermon is preventative…we’re not throwing stones at people who have been divorced. You can’t unscramble eggs!
To the divorced person we offer acceptance, love, help and healing…and a fresh start. Some of the sweetest, most fruitful Christians you’ll ever meet, are people that God loves, that have been divorced.
And I believe that the divorced of this church are my strongest supporters for giving this message of prevention.
With that said, I will say that the biggest problem that faces families today is easy, quick, cheap divorce. We live in the age of the throw-away, disposable marriage.
1920 1 in 7 marriages resulted in divorce
1940 1 in 6
1960 1 in 4
1972 1 in 3
1977 1 in 2
Now, divorces outnumber marriages!
It is an epidemic! The mindset is “if it doesn’t work out, just bail out!”
Divorce is so common today, and so widely accepted as just a normal part of life, that churches like this are considered old-fashioned for preaching against it.
Ironically, a recent 10 year survey showed that only 10%, that’s 1 out of 10 divorcees said that their life had improved, or that they had found greater happiness…in 10 years following their divorce. Most people who file for divorce do it to improve their life. The exception found in Matt. 19 for those who’ve been cheated on is just that…an exception, a rare occurrence not found often.
Sure, many people today cheat on their spouses, but in most cases, so do the spouses they are cheating on!
Our society bases its beliefs about marriage on what they see on TV, soaps and sitcoms, talk shows…and what they hear from friends and co-workers, or what they’ve experienced in their immediate family.
“Seinfeld”â€â€90’s, referred to marriage as a prison…now why would you willfully want to go to prison?…is the logic of that situation.
And so, today’s popular culture says, just live together…and Hollywood portrays a couple deciding to move in together as “taking a big step…making a major commitment.” Again, it’s become so commonplace, that today it’s just accepted as normal. And the sad reality is, in America, you’ll be penalized financially if you get married. Tax-wise, it’s beneficial not to make the relationship legally binding. That needs to be changed!
Most of the church discipline issues I dealt with in MO were cohabitation issues (nice way of saying shacked up!). Sometimes it would come to our attn that someone who had joined the church had a live in back home, or sometimes it would be a couple that would join the church and we would learn later that they were not yet married.
Thankfully, every time I confronted a situation like that the people involved responded positively, and did whatever it took to make it right. What surprised me is that in almost every case I became aware as we talked, that they didn’t know it was wrong! They didn’t know that God does not approve of that, and that the church constitution forbids that of a member. And just being informed of it was all they needed. “Now that we know, let’s fix it!” was the attitude.
Sometimes one would move out…sometimes, if we were convinced it was right, there would be a wedding in short order, and sometimes (and this just illustrates how brain-washed we’ve become) sometimes the couple would suggest they just move into separate rooms, and promise to “be good.” (Actually, in a couple of cases I recall, the couple claimed they had remained separate all along… “yeah, right”, most people would say, but I was convinced on a couple of occasions that they were truthful…maybe I’m just naïve, but I try to trust people when there’s good reason to).
In those instances, I would then have the opportunity to explain that there’s more wrong with living together than just the temptation that will be present…but that the appearance of it is wrong, and will damage their testimony, and the testimony of their church. “Avoid all appearance of evil.” You don’t have to be doing wrong to appear like you’re doing wrong.
As commonplace as cohabitation is today, why do people get married anyway? Perhaps because if it goes wrong, it’s so easy to dispose of.
In Malachi 2:16, the Bible says that God hates divorce. Where many people are offended is what they think they hear in that statement. A divorced person is usually more defensive about their situation, naturally, and all too often they think they hear, “God hates people who divorce.” And nothing could be further from the truth. While God hates divorce, certainly He loves the divorcee. Just like God hates alcohol, yet loves alcoholics/hates homosexuality, loves the homosexual… in each and every case, the God who hates the sin, loves the sinner! Our God is not a cosmic killjoy, looking for ways to make life miserable, and if the Lord God Almighty says that He hates something, it is only because He knows that it will bring heartache and turmoil into our lives.
Mt. 19, let’s look at 3 things: original pattern/ongoing problem/only permit
Original pattern
v. 3-6 The Lord narrows it down to 3 things:
How couples are made/married/merged
How couples are made: Divorce was controversial back then, just as it is now, and the Pharisees would love to trip our Lord on this one, so they decided to come to Jesus before a large crowd to ask, what are the valid grounds for divorce?
2 schools of thought in those days, named after 2 leading Jewish Rabbi’s:
Rabbi Shammai (conservative) He and his followers believed there was only 1 justification for divorce, and that was marital infidelity.
Rabbi Hallel (liberal) He and his followers believed you could divorce for any reason.
The Pharisees here ask Jesus to choose sides…which do you believe?
You’d expect Jesus in His answer to go back to Deuteronomy, to the law of Moses…but Jesus goes all the way back to Genesis…for in Genesis we see the original pattern
v. 4 “male and female”
In the garden of Eden, God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve. By the way, v. 4 puts to rest the idea of same sex marriage. Homosexuals cannot reproduce…only recruit…think about it!
Men and women are different physically/emotionally/biologically…
And one of the keys to success in marriage is found in learning to appreciate the differences.
Gary Smalley, in his book, Hidden Keys to Loving Relationships:
Women relate on a personal level, men are more challenge and conquer oriented.
Woman finds her identity thru relationships/man thru accomplishments.
Woman is more in touch w/ her emotions/man is more concerned w/ facts.
Average woman speaks 25,000 words a day/man 12,500
This is why man comes home after work, and he’s used up all his words already, and she’s just getting started… “honey, let’s talk!”
How couples are married:
v. 5 Leave and cleave.
Scripture makes it clear that we are to honor our parents…until death we should honor our father and mother.
But many marriages get into trouble when a man holds his mother is higher esteem than his wife. There should be no comparison…she shouldn’t even be an equal in his eyes. The same is true when a wife thinks more highly of her father than her husband.
The “leave” of leave and cleave is not only a physical leaving of the home, but also an emotional breaking away.
Then there’s the cleaving. The word cleave literally means, “glue”. You know what that means, don’t you…look at your spouse now…yes, you’re stuck w/ each other!
Sir, you may have married her because she was the high school beauty queen, and because you envisioned her meeting you at the door when you came home from work, in her silk neglige.
Here we are years later, and she’s got curlers in her hair, goop on her face, a cotton gown on, and there’s ketchup here, mustard here, and baby vomit down the back! What do you do now?
Remember, it’s not your love that sustains your commitment, it’s your commitment that sustains your love. (repeat)
Made: different
Married: leave and cleave
Merged:
v. 6 That’s God’s math: 1 + 1 = 1
One physically/emotionally (when they hurt, you hurt)/spiritually
Ill.â€â€like 2 potatoes/skinned alive/put in hot water/mashed together into 1!
You say, you don’t understand, we’re complete opposites!
Great! That’s the best kind. Opposites attract…problem is, when we get married and try to change each other, instead of celebrating the differences, and completing one another. Kimberly makes me the complete person that I wouldn’t be w/out her!…why? Because she thinks weird! (differently) Because she’s SOOO emotional! She’s my help-meet…she helps meet my needs, my weaknesses! She’s like a supplement for my malnourished life!
Only God can change people…so I hope you’re not 80 before you realize you WILL NOT CHANGE THEM!!
v. 6 “let not man put asunder”
That is God’s statement concerning the seriousness and sacredness of marriage in God’s eyes. You’ll never understand the seriousness of divorce until you get a grasp of the seriousness of marriage in God’s eyes.
It is not the judge that made 2 into 1, it’s not the preacher that made 2 into 1…it is God who worked that miracle, and you don’t have the power or authority to break that bond.
That’s the original pattern…that’s God’s best for us!
Now, the ongoing problem:
7-8 after God gives us the “ideal”, He deals w/ the real!
“suffered” in v. 8 means permitted. Jesus corrects them…Moses never once commanded divorce, he permitted it at times.
God already revealed His preference in v. 6. And so even in instances when the exception clause comes into effect, God still would prefer forgiveness and reconciliation, where possible. Just because divorce is, in rare circumstances of infidelity, allowed, it is never recommended! Even when it was permitted, it was for the hardness of their hearts.
Nothing will more reveal what’s in your heart like being married. I’ve counseled with couples before, and one looks at the other and tells me, oh, they just make me so angry! No, she can’t MAKE you angry, she just caused the anger that was already there to surface.
Ill.â€â€rag you can’t squeeze anything out of a dry rag!
I never knew how selfish I was until I got married/such a jerk/so insecure/so prideful/how angry I could be
Original pattern/ongoing problem…
The only permit:
v. 9 There is an exception here. I said “an” exception…there is only one. I don’t know what kind of theological gymnastics a person can do to get around this very clear statement from Jesus Christ, “except for fornication”. Nowhere does scripture say, “unless you don’t get along…or, unless you don’t love them anymore…or, unless they hurt your feelings, abuse you mentally or even physically!” Some of those may indeed be grounds for separation, temporarily, in view of correction and reconciliation, but never for divorce.
This passage says very clearly that the marriage contract is completed by the physical consummation of the marriage bed, and clearly the contract is broken in the same way it is sealed, by another sexual union, outside of marriage.
Again, even in that circumstance when the exception clause is in effect, divorce is not a train to immediately jump on just because it’s there! Rather, it is a last resort when one has graciously tried to forgive and reconcile, and you’ve prayed and pleaded, and there is no reconciliation to be found.
Back to Malachi 2 for a brief word to those who are single/married/divorcee’s
Single: Avoid the travesty of an unequal yoke.
v. 11 what’s the abomination? Married the daughter of a strange god. That’s a believer marrying an unbeliever. That’s an unequal yoke, the Bible condemns doing that unequivicolly! “Be not unequally yoked together w/ unbelievers”, II Cor. 6:14
It doesn’t seem to matter what the Bible says though, for wherever I go, I hear from a young lady that she is dating this guy, and she thinks in her case she’ll be the exception to the rule. She thinks God is telling her that, “just marry him, and I’ll see to it that he gets saved.” God WILL NOT tell you to do that, He’s told you not to!
If you do: you can expect 3 problems:
1. spiritual disagreement Amos 3:3 “Can 2 walk together, except they be agreed?”
2. spiritual decay Only in rare instances will you be able to live for God…it’s such a struggle…there’s that constant drain on you!
Olivia was her name, she married Samuel Clemens (Mark Twain), an unbeliever. Olivia was born again. In disobedience to God, she married him. One day she was reading the Bible out loud at home. He said, would you please put that down, and he said, I forbid you to read that anymore.
She lost all her spiritual zest and fervor…not her salvation…the joy of her salvation she lost. One day the family went thru a major tragedy, she fell apart. Her husband said, Olivia, if it helps you to lean on your faith, then feel free. She said, I have no faith left to lean on!
Spiritual disagreement/decay…
3. spiritual division
Statistics prove if you marry outside your faith, you are 3 times more likely to get divorced.
Singles, avoid the travesty of the unequal yoke.
Married people:
Avoid the treachery of an unkept vow.
I don’t care if this is your first marriage, or fifth…you honor that vow! Once in a while someone says, pastor, I realize I divorced unscripturally, but I remarried, what do I do? (asking if they should divorce and try to reconcile w/ first partner)
Absolutely not! 2 wrongs don’t make a right…just decide you’re gonna keep this vow!
v. 12-15 the word treacherously means “unfaithfully”
Unscriptural divorce disobeys the word of God.
We have a high calling: it’s obedience…It’s God’s highest calling for us!
“I owe it to myself to be happy”
No, you owe it to God to be holy!
Unscriptural divorce diminishes the worship of God
v. 13 God says, you come to the altar crying, weeping, and I don’t buy it!
God says, behind it all, there’s no real repentance.
I’m not saying that if you’ve been divorced, you can’t worship God…I’m simply saying until we deal w/ these things in honest confession/repentance, and where necessary, do all we can to make restitution and reconciliation, God is not impressed w/ our external exercises in worship. “to obey is better than sacrifice”.
Unscriptural divorce destroys the work of God
v. 15 “did not HE make one?”
Unscriptural divorce distorts the witness of God
v. 15 Why did He make 2 into 1? To produce Godly kids.
Hey, if I win the world and lose my kids, I’m a failure.
I’m not saying that divorcees cannot raise good kids…but they will tell you it’s a constant struggle, and a bigger challenge because of it!
And it’s the kids that suffer, isn’t it.
Do you know how my sons are to learn how to treat their future wives, by seeing how I treat their mother!/daughter, too!
Married couples, avoid the treachery of an unkept vow.
Divorcees: Enjoy the treasure of unreserved repentance!
v. 16-17 we weary the Lord w/ our words when we constantly try to justify that which scripture clearly forbids.
Can God forgive the sin of divorce? Of course He can, and does. Is divorce the unpardonable sin? Of course not!
May we always be a church that lifts up marriage/lifts up divorced people/follows scriptural principles to help prevent divorce!
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Divorce
| Malachi 3: 16 - 16 |
”Till Divorce Do We Part”
I heard about a A young woman who went to see her attorney.
“I want to know if I have grounds for divorce.”
“Are you married?”
“Yes.”
”You have grounds.”
Legally and socially it has become easy to end a marriage. Some psychologists wonder if married couples are becoming an “endangered species”. The alarming divorce rate should cause engaged couples to be certain if their decision is correct. Presently half of all marriages end in divorce.
The causes are many. Some frustrated couples claim that, because of the stresses of married life, they’ve “lost their love” for one another. A disillusioned spouse conveyed it this way: “When I got married, I was looking for an ideal; it became an ordeal; now I want a new deal.” Many people confuse love with emotional or physical attraction. ©True love is not a feeling; it is a sacrificial, unconditional, compassionate, mature, life-long commitment. No one “falls out of love”. Love isn’t something that grabs us, but something we choose to grab. Many people simply choose to stop loving.
Divorce is a lot like death, a significant and painful loss. The stages of grief can include shock, denial, anger, resentment, depression, alienation, bargaining, and finally acceptance. We can begin to heal the hurt. But unlike death, divorce includes a sense of failure and rejection. A divorcee told her doctor, “I don’t hate my former husband, but it would have been less traumatic if he had died.”
No one has to get married, but once they do, they have entered into a relationship of responsibility. Biblically, we say they’ve entered into a sacred covenant, a relationship of promise and trust, sealed with a solemn vow. The Bible warns that “It is better to not vow than to promise something that you don’t follow through on” (Eccl 5:5). Many people marry for the wrong reasons (insecurity, protection, loneliness, sexual frustration, etc), and bring to marriage unrealistic expectations. Unwilling to be flexible and adapt, they raise barriers and cause conflicts hindering harmony.
Factors which may influence divorce include: Marriage at a very young age, a too-brief acquaintance before marrying, disapproval by parents & friends, too little in common, differing ideas on role relationships, personality differences, differing values, flawed perceptions, a lack of communication, and indifference.
The high divorce rate may be largely a reflection of our unwillingness to forgive. We often say we’ll forgive, but will never forget. When we recall the pain of wrongs done to us, we should remember that we’ve forgiven the offender, and not hold onto the hurt. When people mistreat us, it’s an opportunity for reconciliation. When we choose not to forgive, we’re left with a scar that we regularly re-open. Forgiveness obliges us to treat the one who wronged us as one forgiven. This doesn’t mean the past no longer exists; it means we won’t use the past against the one we love. Forgiveness is possible, even when trust is violated. Forgiveness has been defined as having anger in one’s fist and then releasing it, breaking the power of the past.
I used to think that communication was the key to marriage. It’s a critical skill, going beyond what is said to what is meant. Communication helps us resolve conflicts and aids in understanding personality differences. As important as this learned skill is, there is a more important elementâ€â€commitment. When a husband or wife becomes apathetic, when they stop caring and give us, there is little hope for the marriage. If both choose to steadfastly work at resolving the conflict, there is all the hope in the world. Unfortunately, it’s easier to fix blame than to fix problems. It’s been said that, “A successful marriage is one in which you fall in love many timesâ€â€always with the same person.” Commitment causes couples to work with what they have rather than give up. Committed couples determine that divorce is not an optionâ€â€marriage isn’t a contract with an escape clause. A couple gathered their children together and announced, “No matter what happens in our family, no matter how bad things may get, divorce is not an option. We will patiently work out our problems and accept each other whatever happens.”
The time to get help is before one’s marriage is beyond repair. All couples need regular “preventive maintenance”. Ways of maintaining the relationship may include structured family discussions, professional counseling, marriage enrichment training, church attendance, books on marriage, and well-planned out “dates” to keep the romance alive.
In the Bible, God states bluntly, “I hate divorce” (Malachi 3:16). Marriage is a permanent bond, a covenantal relationship ordained by God, and should not be entered into casually nor temporarily. Anyone considering divorce has to decide if they really want to do something God hates. The New Testament allows for divorce in cases of unfaithfulness/infidelity or desertion (Mt 19, I Cor 7), but even in these cases God’s desire is for reconciliation. The difference is between what God permits and prefers. It would be well to consult the authority of Scripture and determine for yourself what the Bible has to say concerning divorce (and remarriage). Couples whose marriages are in trouble should seek God’s help and get help. Marriage involves hard work, and it’s often too easy to part. Try marriage before divorce.
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Divorce is hardest on childrenâ€â€they often feel that they’ve done something wrong, that they are to blame. They will need reassurance that the breakup is not their fault. Children often feel deserted and cannot understand why their mother or father has left them. Despite efforts to explain or compensate for the loss, the trauma of divorce is often severe for children. Every age group has its own unique difficulties in coping with divorce…
Infants and toddlers are unable to grasp the meaning of the absence. Toddlers have a poor sense of the passage of time and may continue to ask for an absent parent after being told of the separation. Preschoolers can experience fears of abandonment and guilt over parental loss (“Maybe dad left because I was bad; will he come back if I’m good?”). School-age children tend to hide their emotions, acting out in subtle ways the grief they’ve suppressed. Adolescents may act more independent, understanding that their identity is secure and separate from their parents, and that that they are largely responsible for themselves. Teens may feel overwhelmed by having to assume the responsibilities of the absent parent. They may show resentment for the changes to their routine and respond to the loss through rebellious acts such as delinquency, promiscuity, or school failure. The pseudo-family bond of gangs may appeal to teens who have lost a parent, a legitimate need that should be met by sports teams, school activities and church youth groups.
Your ultimate goal should be for your children to maintain a good relationship with both parents, and with their step-parents…for their own good, and yours.
Coping With Divorce
Divorce is not an eventâ€â€it’s a process. Whether it takes weeks, months, or years, nothing will be solved immediately. All healing takes time. The pain may never go away, but you will eventually feel it less frequently. Your task is to learn from the past and work to rebuild your future.
In most divorces, there is not a “guilty party”. Rather, there are usually 2 guilty parties, though one may be “guiltier” than the other. Realize that you both contributed to the breakdown of your marriage; be willing to learn from your mistakes, or you may be destined to repeat them. Avoid bitterness. Avoid retaliation. You can’t heal yourself by hurting another.
Your church is not here to judge or condemn you, but to help you grow through pastoral care, worship, instruction, fellowship, and opportunities for Christian service. We extend to you our compassion and support in this difficult time. We’re willing to listen to you and walk with you through the difficult days ahead. We are all fellow-strugglers dealing with our own issues and problems, and we’re doing so with God’s help. Perhaps God has gotten your attention through this trauma. Don’t get angry at Himâ€â€talk to Him. Let God begin to heal you from within. You can then begin to recover hope.
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Is your Family a Fortress or a Forcade? -Jerry Shirley
| Hebrews 13: 4 - 4 |
Is Your Family a Fortress or a Façade?
Here’s some things strong families have in common:
1. Strong sense of commitment
Seems obvious, right? But over the last decade, I’ve counseled w/ dozens of couples…pre-marital and post-marital counseling, and it’s proven to me that people today don’t understand commitment. What a relaxed attitude people enter into the holiest of unions w/ in these days of the disposable marriage. “If it works, fine, if it doesn’t, fine…I’m sure it will…I like them!”
Commitment is the assurance that this family will stay together, value each other, for a lifetime, no matter what. Whatever problems we face, we face them together/challenges. Strong marriages take the following words, and carve them in granite: I’m committed to you, no matter what. And they take the word divorce out of their vocabulary.
Parents, there’s 2 ways you can convey the sense of commitment to a child:
1. by conveying to them that they are a blessing, not a burden. This generation of children has been labeled, the unwanted generation. TV today sends the message that children are an unwanted expense, and interference in careers, or an untimely accident. There are no mistakes, accidents, or surprises w/ God. The abortionist claims there’s a clear difference between an unborn child and one that’s been born…try explaining that to a child who is looking for relevance!
Ill.â€â€last one picked for ball team…who has to take him? I had him last time! (standing there in right field thinking, I’m here because they’re stuck w/ me!)
Suicide note from teenage girl: Dear mom, I’m sorry I was ever born. It seems to me that I’ve ruined your happiness. I’ve chosen this way out so that you can be happy again.
(chances are, this girl was genuinely loved and wanted, but somehow they failed to communicate it to her!)
2. By letting them know they are loved unconditionally. We live in an achievement oriented society. Where significance equals performance, and importance equals ability, and where self-worth equals achievement. Sorry to say, that mindset has crept into many homes.
Parents, do your kids know that there’s nothing they can do to be more loved, because they’re already loved w/ a measureless love?/nothing they can do to be more accepted, because they’re already totally accepted?/nothing they can do to be more valued, because they’re already infinitely valued?
Nothing will alienate a child more than making them work for something that should be given freely…love, acceptance, and self-worth.
If you raise a child on conditional love, to some degree, always feeling like they have to do something to make you proud of them, you will almost always wind up w/ 1 of 2 results when they’re grown:
1. Workaholic who never feels adequate, but quite self-conscious.
2. A quitter, who just gives up all-together. “I can’t please dad/mom, so I’ve decided not to even try.”
“But, aren’t I supposed to motivate my child?” Yes.
“Aren’t I supposed to encourage them on to excellence?” Yes.
“Don’t I want them to reach their full potential?” Yes.
The key is: What are you using to motivate them?
Never motivate on the basis of love and acceptance…they must be given freely.
Never motivate on how they compare to others… “Johnny can do it, why can’t you…try harder!”
Motivate on the basis of what THEIR best is.
Did you know you can be proud of your child, even if you’re displeased w/ them? You can show them love and acceptance, even when you’re disgusted w/ their attitude…even if they embarrass you out in public!
I’m convinced that some people who claim to be motivating their child for the child’s sake are actually doing it for their own sake… “so I’m not embarrassed, so I can be proud of you, so no one thinks less of you because they would then think less of me!” A parent like that was no doubt raised that way themselves. Hey, it’s time to break the cycle!
Ask yourself now: Do my children know they are a blessing, not a burden?/Do they know they’re loved unconditionally, and there’s nothing they can do to make me love them more?
That’s commitment. It’s the first thing strong families have in common. Couples: commitment to each other. Parents: commitment to children.
Secondly, strong families have communion.
In a survey, 1,500 children were asked, What makes families happy?
Over 90% gave the same answer. It wasn’t a big house or lots of money…it was “doing things together”.
Are we talking quality time or quantity time? Both!
One of the biggest false bills of goods we’re being sold these days is that it doesn’t matter how much time you spend, just make it quality time! Yes, it does matter. Time together is how you get to know each other, really know each other in a deep way, where you can eventually see right into their heart just by looking into their eyes, and where you can tell when they’re lying right away!
Is your child shy or confident?/leader or follower?/interests?/what do they want to be someday?/who is their best friend, and why are they their best friend?
Some of you draw a blank at some of those questions, and the reason is how busy we are these days…we’re not spending enough time together.
Children spell love TIME / Men, you can say “love”, or you can demonstrate love by spending time w/ your wife.
Time w/ family says to them, You are a priority, I love you!
There’s no substitute for time spent together. You can’t neglect them for months, and then make up for it by taking them to DisneyWorld, or buying them something they really want. Take time to do the mundane together:
Shoot baskets/rake leaves/read a book/take them along on that errand to Wal-Mart! (they’ll just slow me down) Yes! And that’s what we need, to slow down, and experience life together!
That’s communion.
(commitment)
3. Communication
This applies to the marriage relationship as well as parent/child.
Ill.â€â€kid comes home from college/dad says, how’s college? “Good”/how’s your grades?/friends?/food?/dorm life?
By the way, what are you majoring in? “Communications” And unfortunately, he learned his communication skills at home, where his mom asked his dad lots of questions like that, w/ the same kind of monotone, one-word replies.
Strong families are held together by good communication. Communication is discussing the burdens of your heart…opening the windows of your soul at times, sharing your feelings.
Zig Ziglar tells the story of a lady who went to her pastor because she wanted a divorce from her husband.
“do you have any grounds?”…3 acres outside of town, you’ve been there!
“no, I mean, do you have a grudge?”…no, a carport
“no, like, does your husband beat you up?”…no, I’m up at 6, an hour before him!
“oh my, I’m saying, do you have a case?”…no, we’ve got a John Deere!
“ma’am, I’m trying to ask, are you and your husband having an troubles?”…oh yes, lots of troubles… “like what?”…He just can’t communicate!
Marriage counselors say over half of all divorces are the result of poor communication, and that if they could have just learned to talk, they could have saved their marriage.
7 “B’s” of good listening:
1. Be observant. You listen w/ your eyes as much as your ears…look at them, show you’re listening.
Albert Moravin of UCLA is a noted researcher in communication. He said that only 7% of our true feelings are conveyed by the actual words we speak/38% by WAY we say those words/whopping 55% is conveyed thru body language…non-verbal communication:
Facial expression/eye contact/posture/tone of voice.
I’ve just given in and decided it’s impossible to listen to my wife if the tv is on…I’ve honestly tried to do both, and it can’t be done. (left preaching and gone to meddlin’)…same w/ newspaper.
Be observant.
2. Be available. Communication is like fishing…it doesn’t do much good to go when it’s convenient, to catch fish, you have to go when they’re biting.
This is esp true w/ teens, I’m told…when teens really want to talk, which I’m told is quite rare, you’d better be available. It might be at midnite when they get in from that youth activity, but you’d better do it then…they won’t resemble the same person in the morning! It might be during your favorite TV program…better turn it off and listen. Be available.
3. Be considerate. It’s amazing how considerate we are to others out in public, but how rude we can be to our own family members. If we interrupted at work like we do at home, we’d be sent home permanently!/walk away from them while talking/ignore. We can’t take each other for granted.
4. Be demonstrative. We’re talking physical…hugs, kisses, pats, massages, etc. Use them often. Gary Smalley says women need non-sexual touch…little things, not groping like a piece of meat. He says women need 8 of these touches per day. (some of you guys will wake up tomorrow and go 12345678…) It doesn’t work that way.
5. Be wise. Learn to attack the problem, not the person. Ladies: nagging is not communicating! (not one man said Amen, bunch of cowards! Don’t leave me hangin’ here!) Bringing up past offenses is not wise! (jokeâ€â€guy says, every time my wife and I fight she gets historical. “you mean hysterical?” No, historical…she brings back everything I’ve ever done since we got married.) And before I get into too much trouble…Men, sarcasm will get you nowhere! (and my wife says, Amen!)
6. Be an example. Parents, it’s a cold hard fact…I hope you’re not 90 before you realize that we don’t get what we want, we get what we ARE!
7. Be courageous. The main reason we don’t communicate is fear…we’re simply afraid of what we might hear! We’re afraid to make ourselves vulnerable, so instead, just blurt out how it’s gonna be, like it or lump it!
So, strong families have a strong sense of commitment. They have communion…spending time together. They have good communication, and express themselves well.
4. Strong families have good coping skills. They have the rare ability to solve problems together, and always see the big picture. Don’t ever think that families that break up had problems, and that families who stay together don’t. Divorces and dysfunctional families have very little to do w/ problems. All families have problems. Break-ups have to do w/ coping skills.
I bet there’s people here tonite who’ve been married 30 years or more, and they’ve had problems far worse than a lot of people who’ve divorced. The difference is in coping skills…working thru the problems.
Every family has problems. If divorces were caused by problems, we’d all be divorced. My family has problems, your family/Christian families/Adam and Eve had problems…
--Adam would come home from work, and she would start counting his ribs…just checking!
They had their problems together, and even suffered the consequences together (driven out in a fury)
--Adam and kids walked by garden…kids say, what’s that, dad? “That’s where your mother ate us out of house and home!"
Not all families respond to problems in the same way. The chinese language does not have letters, it has symbols. And the same symbol which means crisis can also mean opportunity, depending upon the context. And, you know, one family can have a problem and see it as a crisis, and another family have exactly the same problem, and see it as an opportunity.
Someone said, God’s best presents He gives to His children are wrapped in problems. The bigger the problem, the bigger the present…if you’re willing to unwrap it!
How we respond to our problems will make or break us! We’ve got to learn to attack our problems together, instead of attacking each other.
So, strong families have commitment, communion, communication, coping skills, and…
5. Strong families have a strong sense of consecration. There’s no way to have a truly successful family w/out giving God first place. And we have to convey it to our children. Kids watch carefully…what we’re like at church, and at home.
Ill.â€â€little boys staying overnight in backyard in a tent. Dad listened to them talk… “my daddy knows the mayor!”/ “governor!”/then he heard the voice of his own little boy say, “that’s nothin’, my daddy knows God!” (top that!) They said, he does not! “does too!” How do you know? “I heard him talkin’ to him just this morning!”
There’s nothing greater our children can think of us, than that we know God! |
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